Cthulhu and the Platypus
by Zeddiphan
Summary: The dumbest story in history. I apologize in advance for the millions of brain cells it will kill.


Long ago when the Earth was still young, there was a platypus. This platypus was not the platypus we all know, this platypus had no gifts, he would sit by the water and groom himself and wade in the water. He would talk to his neighbors and friends and eat his platypus food. It was a simple life, a life that he began to grow board with.

One day, the platypus decided to go for a walk, so he went out of his platypus burrow and began walking along the shore of the river. After a short walk he came to a large dam reaching across the river, this was the home of Beaver.

"Hello Beaver." He said, curious as to what he was making and how he had made it so quickly in the strong current of the river then, while pointing a long finger to the dam asked "what's that?"

"What, that? Why that's just my new house! Added on a new home theater yesterday. Made it just right so the surround sound is perfect!" he exclaimed with pride, nudging his hardhat to get a better look at his creation. "Took all night to get the wide screen in there, and the missus is still angry I haven't got around to her walk-in closet even after I sat through _Dear John_ with her! I could have bin watching my Steven Seagal movies but no!"

Bewildered, amazed, and wondering what a movie was he asked "but how did you make _all_ of that in _one_ night?"

"With this beauty right here!" he raised his flat tail and waived it triumphantly. "This is every tool ill ever need right here!" The platypus, feeling ashamed of his slender tail, declined Beaver's offer to watch B.C. Foot Ball and left Beaver as he began working on installing the satellite dish with an instruction Manuel written in a rare dialect of Pig Latin spoken by an average of twelve people. He continued walking until he found his friend the duck, who was arguing over something with a rabbit wearing a dress.

"Good morning Duck!" he exclaimed, after patiently waiting for the argument to inevitably end in the rabbit awkwardly kissing duck, leaping from the dress and bounding away into the sunset.

"What's so good about it? Nothing! Not with that guy digging his tunnels under my nest again! Wrong turn at Albuquerque my foot!"

"My, is today a special occasion? Your bill is looking vary shiny today."

"Why, yes." Duck responded. "I have a date tonight so I just got it polished." The platypus gazed at the shiny bill until Duck felt awkward and threatened to call the cops, so the platypus walked on while feeling ashamed of his stubby little nose that was anything but shiny. Eventually he came to the home of the otter. At this time the Otter civilization is great and spans over most of the world, as they have yet to uncover the horrible Leviathan, known as The Carnifex that emerged from the clam mines deep in the ocean and destroyed their great cities. Otter floats down to eye-level on his hover chair to great him.

"May your belly never fail to crack open your clam, my friend! What may I do for you on this fine day?"

"What is that between your toes?" the platypus asks, shocked because he has never seen Otter this close without his thirteen foot tall exo-suit.

"Why those are my webbed feet, my hands look the same as well." Otter sets his chair on auto pilot and removes his control gauntlets to show him. "they grant my great speed in the water!"

"Amazing!" States the increasingly impressed platypus. "Well, I must go now."

"Vary well. May your tummy remain firm against all objects you wish to smash to pieces!" With that he climbs into the clouds to hunt the now-extinct flying clam whose fossils can be found on mountains today.

Depressed and ashamed of his long fingers, slender tail, and stubby nose the platypus walked on until he noticed he was being followed. He stopped to look around but could find no one until he heard a loud "Psst! Over here!" and then he noticed Cthulhu hiding behind some shrubbery to the side of the path he was walking on.

"**Cthulu hears a certain platypus would like a change of cloths if you catch my drift**."

"But I don't ware cloths." The platypus was confused because he thought that by now everyone new he was a nudist. Cthulhu, now mildly disgruntled, summoned a kracken that devoured an island a few miles off shore.

"**listen, you want new body parts or what? Chtulhu can hook you up**."

"But Cthulhu

"**I am Cthulhu****!" **He interrupted.

"Yes, but are you not the Bane of all Life and devourer of souls?"

"**No, that Cthulhu's cousin Bob, Cthulhu always being mistaken for Bob.**" That was enough to reassure the platypus.

"Alright!" he shouted over the wails of the demons who grew restless from Cthulhu standing in one place for so long. "I want the gifts of the Beaver, the Duck, and the Otter!"

"**Vary well**!" he yelled, then shouted with thunderous volume "**Plg'lugn hwahghi shoggoth'hu gnu'ingldyah, hfir'ln plg'luinh ph'thahnl**!" and with that the platypus writhed in pane and morphed into the hideous creature we know today. Cthulu then held out a mirror.

"**Cthulu's best work since Rosie O'Donnell**!"

"I look hideous! You were suppose to make me beautiful!"

"**You went to a guy with a squid for a face for beauty? Because of your massive lack of common sense I now make you lay eggs**!" He hocks a lugi at the platypus which causes him to immediately squeeze out an egg.

"**Have a nice day**!" With that and a mighty beat of his wings he takes to the skies and goes to the moon where he lives to this day.

What is the moral of this story?

Be yourself and don't try to copy others, because imitation is suicide.


End file.
